Monday, April 24, 2017

A Reader's Guide to Husband Hunting


If classic literature has taught us anything, it's that we should ask our prospective spouses some very specific questions. Because you just never know about people. 

Might I suggest you start with the following:
  • Have you ever dressed as a gypsy to trick a confession out of your crush?
  • Have you ever donned a mask and spent a significant amount of time living under the Paris opera house?
  • Have you ever, in case of misdirected rage, used a handkerchief to hang your girlfriend's dog?
  • Have you ever received ₤3,000 in exchange for the curacy at Kympton (and then lied about it)?
  • Have you ever, under the influence of secret guilt, carved the first letter of the alphabet into your chest?
  • Did you end your last relationship by taking your crush on an unfortunate sled ride?
  • To what extent are you committed to finishing The Key to All Mythologies?
  • To what extent do you blame your problems on Grace Poole?
  • If interrogated by agents of the Thought Police, would you betray me to Big Brother?
  • Where do you stand on the subject of attic wives?

* * * * *

Bad Boyfriend Roll Call:
Rochester
Erik (the Phantom of the Opera)
Heathcliffe
Mr. Wickham
Reverend Dimmesdale
Ethan Frome
Casaubon
Rochester
Winston Smith
Rochester

Art attribution:
John William Waterhouse [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons

2 comments:

  1. Oh, wow. This. Is. Brilliant. Big smiles on my end!

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    Replies
    1. Why are so many classic romantic heroes just the worst??

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