It's Monday. We need this.
- Once I accidentally put two pairs of contact lenses in at the same time and thought my eyes were broken.
- A former student used to give me coffee at Christmas, but wrapped in Victoria's Secret bags so I'd have to carry them home through the halls in the afternoon saying "It's coffee, I promise, it's really just coffee."
- One foggy morning on the way to school, I accidentally hit a bird with my car. Feeling sad but thinking little of it throughout the day, I was shocked in the afternoon to discover half a bird stuck to the grille of my car, an ominous smear up the hood, and one lone feather affixed to the antennae. Unfortunately, I'd parked in a prominent spot near the school office, and everyone saw. Even worse, I'd been teaching The Rime of the Ancient Mariner that day. The students watched closely for the next week to see what bad luck would befall.
- When my twin nieces were five years old, they were quite concerned that I didn't have a family of my own. I went for a visit and found pictures of little kids cut out from magazines and left on the guest bed. "Those are coupons for you, Aunt Ruth! So you can buy some children!"
- On my recent trip to France, I got up in the middle of the night, tripped over a slight ledge in the kitchen, and went sprawling into the living room. When someone in my group asked what that noise was in the middle of the night, I started telling the story (angling for some sympathy) and our waitress overheard and started laughing at me.
- During the year that I lived and taught in China (pre-cell-phone days), I'd been downtown all day and was unaware of a problem with our apartment that would leave me locked out for the next few hours. A friend thoughtfully tried to alert me to the issue (and save me a long walk to our apartment on back campus) by leaving me a note attached to a bush at our bus stop. Her: But I left you a note! Didn't you see it? Me: A note? Where? Her: I stuck it in a bush! Me: ...
- Two years ago, I was taking care of five nieces and nephews while their parents were away. The kids took this as a sign that it was time to pass around the stomach flu. "That's it!" I told them dramatically. "No one else is allowed to throw up!" Twenty minutes later, I threw up.
- While on a road trip, a friend and I rented a car with weird bumps on the steering wheel. Later, she admitted that she thought the notches were Braille. On the steering wheel. (Braille. On the steering wheel.)
- My sister and I once sneaked into a public performance of one of my plays. As the lights came up for the intermission, we heard the lady sitting behind us hiss, "This play is weird."
- The same sister also once hacked into my cell phone, imitated my voice, and changed my outgoing message to something super long and pretentious, and I didn't notice for like six months.
- With Hurricane Gaston spinning around the Atlantic, Florida has been awash with Beauty and the Beast parodies. "No one forms like Gaston / Such a storm like Gaston! / No one plans your home quite to deform like Gaston! / I use plywood in all of my deccccccorrrraaaaattting! / Eyes on the sky for Gaston!"
If nothing on the list made you laugh, please understand that the list is not defective.
It just means you need more coffee.
Happy Monday, everybody!