If the world could could hear my ever-running inner monologue, the things that actually make it out of my mouth would make a lot more sense.
What I Want to Say When I Turn in a Manuscript: "I put a lot into this. The work was difficult, but I'm really proud of the result. I hope you like it!"
What My Brain Is Saying: "Writing feels like pulling your own teeth, only you're using a pen and you're pulling them out of your brain. Also, your pen is a computer, so you're actually using a computer to pull teeth out of your brain."
What I Actually Say: "Here are some of my brain teeth. Let me know if you want to publish them."
What I Want to Say at Job Interviews: "While I don't have experience in this particular area, I have tons of interesting life experience. Teaching, traveling, and nannying really do prepare you for almost anything."
What My Brain Is Saying: "Once a boy in my homeroom class got sick. He didn't make it out of the classroom first, unfortunately. He jumped up, threw up all down himself, ran up the aisle, threw up in this poor girl's backpack, got to the front of the room, threw up down my legs, ran to the door, threw up in the doorway, and then turned around and said, 'I think I'm done.' To get out of the vomity classroom, we all had to jump over the puddle in the doorway, which was exciting because we had to clear not only the puddle but also the three steps down to ground level."
What I Actually Say: "I'm good at vomit puddles."
What I Want to Say When Asked Out by an Attractive Man: "You seem really great, and I'd like to get to know you, but I'm serious about relationships so please don't waste my time."
What My Brain Is Saying: "He's smart and handsome with a winning smile. You know who else was smart and handsome with a winning smile? Ted Bundy, that's who. That's why so many women went along with him when he offered them rides. Then he murdered them. So you just never know. Before you make any decisions, you really should check to see if this guy has his own entry on Murderpedia."
What I Actually Say: "Please don't kill me."
If you've been privy to any of these communication malfunctions, I don't know whether to apologize or take a bow.
Here's hoping that 2016 is the year in which my brain and my mouth finally sync up.