Monday, August 31, 2015

How to Seem 10% Nuttier than You Actually Are

Generally, I have no trouble passing myself off as a normal, rational human being with very few quirks. As long as no one is looking at me, that is. With no one around, everything goes smoothly. I sail through life like an eagle riding an updraft--all glory, power, and smooth motion.

Then I leave the house for the day, and everything falls apart.

I'm sure you know what I mean, because at some point, it happens to all of us.


How to Seem 10% Nuttier than You Actually Are:
  1. Walk through a spider's web.
  2. Get an itch in a weird place.
  3. Head through a door the minute someone else walks out the other way.
  4. Take a sip of milk that you thought was orange juice. 
  5. Back into an activated electric fence.
  6. Try to explain something that you don't actually understand very well.
  7. Practice a tricky bit of dialogue from your new play out loud before you remember that you're working in the coffee shop today.
  8. Breathe a gnat in through your nose.
  9. Think there's a step down when there isn't.
  10. Think there's not a step down when there is.
  11. Sneeze uncontrollably. 
  12. Be the only one who didn't get the memo about dress code.
  13. Have a nose whistle. 
  14. Itch your face with the wrong end of the pen.
  15. Wave your arms to conduct the music (that's playing in your head).
  16. Forget to take down your car's sun shield until you've already backed out of the space and put the car in "Drive."
  17. Forget why you've come to the store; wander around staring at things; leave. 
  18. Accidentally stand near a fire ant hill.
  19. Smile too much. 
  20. Mistake literally anything for a snake. 

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