Monday, March 16, 2015

Ruth's Rules for Coffee, Part 2: What to Do if Someone Doesn't Like Coffee




Step One: Panic. This is a legitimate crisis.

Step Two: Find out where it all went wrong. It could be that this person's first few coffee experiences were less than ideal. Maybe all he's ever tasted has been day-old gas-station coffee (or worse, something truly horrible, like Chock full o'Nuts). In that event, all you will need to do is to make sure that at least once in his life, he has one really good cup of coffee. After that, it's out of your hands.

Step Three: Take drastic action. Let's say that you've given someone one really good cup of coffee at least once, and it hasn't done the trick. First of all, know that you've failed. Second, know that you've now entered dangerous territory. As someone with a known coffee-hater in your life, you must consider taking steps to safeguard your own mental and emotional well-being. 
  1. If the non-coffee drinker is a new friend, become suddenly unavailable. She'll get the idea eventually. Or maybe not. If she doesn't like coffee, there's no telling how her brain functions. 
  2. If he's a relative, disown him. Who needs family anyway? You have coffee.
  3. If she's a work superior, you should do more than just quit your job. You should probably consider switching careers entirely, because who could have any faith in a system that favors non-coffee drinkers in leadership roles? 
  4. If he's a romantic partner, break up. Move, change your phone number, change your name, get plastic surgery, enter the witness protection program. 
Step Four: Brew yourself a nice, hot cup of coffee.  After all that hard work, you definitely deserve one.


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