Friday, October 3, 2014

Random Texts from Bethany, No Context



Because my sister Bethany is an introvert, it's rare that any of us actually know what she's thinking. Every once in a while, though, she sends unprompted texts that allow us to peer behind the veil. 

I'm not talking here about witty responses or funny zingers sent back and forth between us. I'm talking about texts that come like bolts from the blue, no context provided. Sometimes they're comments and sometimes they're questions; all of them provide a helpful window into her psyche.

I call these texts "Thought Times with Bethany," and they're awesome. 

For your enjoyment, I've compiled a short list of my recent favorites, all of which came through during 2014 and are posted with her full approval. 

Enjoy. 

Random Texts from Bethany, No Context:


Once when I was taking care of rabbits, two of the juveniles got out and I couldn't catch them, so I took my shirt off and threw it over them like a net.

All this time I've been saying the queen palm is my favorite, when in fact it is the KING PALM!!!!

What was Lady Godiva protesting when she rode nude? Do you know?

I'm reading Love Stories of WWII. A bomber crew got shot down and had to be smuggled out of Greece. "They were provided with false papers and civilian clothes, which were mysteriously pitched through their hotel room door by someone they never saw." Those days must have been ridiculous.

In your next play, one of the scientists needs to say he's had a "gradient shift in modality dominance" instead of a "light bulb moment." 

I got a fortune that says: "Your fastidious nature will have much more fun this year!" I think I got someone else's fortune.

[A friend] just started telling me a story about how he had an operation on his prostate. I said BYE and left the room.

I'm addicted to the Lumosity raindrop game! Google it. Play it. You'll hate it.

I just learned what the TBT tag everyone has been using means. I had to look it up. Welcome me to the future.

How sinful is it to make notes in a library book?

Which is worse: the misspelling of the correct word or the correct spelling of the wrong form of the word?

Too bad you're not with me today. I'm cracking all kinds of jokes. The people love me. 

* * *

This was a quick succession of 3 texts: 

I just dropped a piece of chocolate in my air conditioning vent. 

Don't celebrate. You're going to help me get it out. 

All we need is some super glue and two small magnets!

* * *

I'm at Publix to pick up meds for a horse so I decided to get a sub for lunch. But since I just got rained on I'm FREEZING. While the guy is making my sub, I'm hovering over the fried chicken heat lamps.

Somehow I got up, went across the room, unplugged my phone and turned off the alarm without waking up.

I hope I don't have a sneezing fit [at the movie theatre]. I forgot to bring tissues, nor am I wearing long sleeves. Tactical failure.

I just burped the biggest burp that has ever been burped in the history of burping.

What exactly is a kipper?

Sometimes I think about how it would be if benevolent aliens really did abduct people from earth and kept them as pets and trained them the way we train horses and other animals and what that would be like.

Had to ask a Wal-mart worker for help finding something. Not only was he helpful, but well spoken and polite! The world must be ending.

Why is hair gross the minute it comes off your body, especially considering that hair is rarely ever a means of spreading disease?

The library doesn't open until twelve, and I was just going to sit on the bench and use the wifi until it opened, but a Peruvian guy sat down next to me and wouldn't stop talking, so I left.

Putting putty in a potty plugs the plumbing pretty promptly.

You know, if I ever time travel to the past, I'm going to be in big trouble with how nearsighted I am.


* * *

You know how I use the T9 Word setting to text? I can do it without even looking. So something that would be entertaining would be to press the buttons as though I were using T9 when actually it's set on the ABC settings.

Next text: 

Pit nw G am pdadgmg bmu tgd ptgjd jmgmt gm gmqdp.

* * *

ME: I want to do a blog post titled "Texts Beef Has Sent Me: No Context Needed."

HER: Go for it.

* * *

More on Bethany here.


3 comments:

  1. Shed hair is all about texture being where it shouldn't be.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I never realized there was the option of texting random thoughts to a sister. I hope mine has unlimited texts.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I think revulsion towards loose hair is a cultural construct. Spotting a hair of a family member (or my own) in food never bothered me until people started pointing it out.

    ReplyDelete