Friday, April 4, 2014

How to Deal With Hair




If You Are a Woman

Dealing with your hair is very simple, ladies. First, cut your hair short. Immediately decide that you miss your long hair. Spend the ensuing months attempting to suppress the explosion of ridiculousness on the top of your head. Consider having the phrase "I'M GROWING IT OUT" printed on a sandwich-board and wearing it around town as explanation.  

Once it's grown out, begin complaining that you miss your short hair. Spend hours culling examples of various pixie cuts from the internet and send them to your friends for analysis. Debate your friends' opinions ad infinitum. After much dithering, cut your hair short again. 

Immediately decide to grow it out. 

Determined that this time you'll manage to look somewhat classy while growing your hair out, watch a dozen YouTube videos explaining how to tie elaborate head wraps. Wear head wrap for one day before deciding that 1) it's too much work, 2) the tightness of the wrap makes your head hurt, 3) you are too white to masquerade as an African princess, or 4) all of the above. 

Continue growing out hair until you decide to cut it short again.  

And so forth.

If You Are a Child

Remember that your hair exists for wiping your hands, storing gum, experimenting with scissors, and investigating the combined properties of dirt clods and tree sap. You should not bother with the question of whether it's clean or how it looks. Such lines of inquiry are time-consuming and pointless.

Since forced hair-combing has caused more pain and suffering than all the world's wars combined, on no account should you allow yourself to be tricked into such a dangerous situation.

RESIST.

If You Are a Man

Let your hair sit on top of your head. Cut it when it starts getting in your eyes. 


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