As many of you are already aware, I spent the last six weeks of the summer on the road, driving from South Florida as far north as New York and as far west as Chicago, then back again. Along the way, I stayed in the homes of many kind and gracious friends.
I also stayed in a few hotels.
And as you are also aware, a hotel stay comes with certain expectations. First, we can be reasonably assured that the nightstand will hold a Gideon Bible and possibly a Book of Mormon. We will also most likely be baffled by the remote controls, deeply suspicious of the bedspread, and disappointed in the continental breakfast.
These experiences are par for the course.
Along with these reasonable expectations, however, come feelings that are a bit more abstract. I'm talking here about the mental checklist of things that we will definitely do, things we will only consider doing, and the things we will definitely not do.
Go ahead. Tell me I'm wrong.
Things We Do in Hotels:
1. Take the longest, hottest showers possible
2. Use all of the free stuff whether we want/need it or not
3. Be disappointed in the coffee, but drink it anyway. Because... coffee
4. Run the A/C either hotter in the winter or cooler in the summer than we would at home
5. Peer expectantly into every cabinet, door, cupboard, and crevice... just in case
6. Wake up having absolutely no concept of time or place
Things We Want to Do (But Probably Won't):
1. Jump on the beds
2. Dash down the halls, knocking on every door and laughing maniacally
3. Press all of the buttons on the elevator just as we are getting off
4. Leave some of our own alternative artwork behind the framed pictures on the walls
5. Mimic the accents of the employees directly to their faces
6. Use the gym
Things We Probably Won't Do, Ever:
1. Walk around barefoot
2. Actually, buy the overpriced pillows, duvets, and fluffy towels
3. Read the fire safety info on the back of the door
4. Lick the remote control
Okay, so your list may differ from mine on a few points. But the fact remains that these mental checklists do exist, and the better we are at sorting these actions into the proper categories, the more safe and satisfying our hotel stays are likely to be.
I encourage you to make your own list, sorting these actions carefully. Because nobody wants to realize that he's actually that guy--the guy who licked the hotel remote instead of drinking the mysteriously-burnt-tasting hotel coffee.
Because that would be just horrible.