Sunday, April 14, 2013

Why Crutches Are Actually Sort of Awesome

Okay...

So perhaps I overreacted the other day by claiming that my crutches wanted me dead. Given the benefit of hindsight, I recognize that I may have been a tad overwhelmed by the difficulties of being a temporary cripple.

Fear not! My emotional equilibrium having reasserted itself, I'm now fully prepared to recognize that there are some distinct advantages to my situation!

I have enumerated them for you below.  No doubt by the conclusion of this article, it is you who will be envying me. 


WHY CRUTCHES ARE ACTUALLY SORT OF AWESOME:


  • You can turn light switches off without getting out of your seat. Of course, then you're sitting in the dark. But the good news is that you can also use your crutches to turn them back on, lest you lose your life trying to traverse a room that you seem to have inadvertently booby-trapped with your own possessions.  
  • Occasionally, handsome, well-muscled men will take pity on you and carry you around. This is absolutely true.   
  • You'll grow in the areas of critical thinking, spatial orientation, advanced planning, physics, and problem solving.  Either that, or you'll die. Going 6-8 weeks operating with less-than-optimum balance and without being able to carry anything around with you in your hands will do that to you. So what if your methods seem crude and may involve the use of a backpack to transport your breakfast from the counter to the dining room table or a rudimentary catapult to transfer your dirty laundry from the hallway to the washing machine. At least you won't starve to death or be forced to show up for work naked. And that's sort of awesome. 
  • You can "accidentally" swat people you don't like with your crutches when you go hobbling past. Muahahahahaaa!
  • You will garner sympathy and experience the goodwill of strangers. I've rarely, if ever, had so much positive interaction with unknowns as I have since getting my cast installed. Everyone I meet seems to lend a helping hand or offer a word of sympathy. Just yesterday, a small party of thugs complete with neck tattoos held open both doors to a store for me and offered heartfelt condolences as I went gimping past. Without my crutches, I most likely would have been completely invisible to them, worthy of neither acknowledgement nor courtesy. But the crutches worked their glamour on those four would-be hooligans, transporting them to a parallel reality in which chivalry is real and people take time to care for their fellow humans. See? Awesome. 
  • You have an excuse to impose on people. You've never had better grounds for complete laziness. Go on. Have everyone wait on you hand and foot.  Revel in it.
  • You can anticipate building some amazing triceps and toning your abs.  If you're into that sort of thing.  And even if you're not. Because those muscles are going to get worked regardless of your opinion on the situation. *flexes* 
  • In case of sudden electrical storms, you will be able to offer protection to your friends/family by holding your crutches aloft and acting as a lightning rod. Admittedly, this is a mixed blessing. But there's a beautiful irony in pondering that your injury could hypothetically save your loved ones from being electrocuted in a freak storm. And that's awesome! Sort of. 

I'm comforted to know that I've only begun to plumb the depths of awareness relating to why my crutches are awesome. No doubt each of the coming days in the next 6-8 weeks will uncover vast new vistas of knowledge and experience available only to those who experience enforced crutching!

Admit it, my friends. For that sort of perception, you envy me.

Sort of.



2 comments:

  1. I definitely milked the "would you get that for me" aspect of crutches!

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    Replies
    1. I'm having a hard time with that!

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