Saturday, January 19, 2013

Shakespeare's Much Ado About Nothing, Super-Condensed


SHAKESPEARE SUPER-CONDENSEDTM:
For When You Only Have Thirty Seconds to Study

Act I

Don Pedro: HELLO!!!
All: HELLO!
Hero & Claudio: *doe eyes*
Benedick & Beatrice: *RAWR*
Claudio: I'm in love!
Don Pedro: I'm a matchmaker!
Benedick: I'm an idiot! But also sort of adorable! And I will never marry! Haha!
Don John: You're all morons.

Act II

Beatrice: I'm sharp-tongued and shewish. But also sort of awesome. And I will never marry! Tralalalala!
Don Pedro: Here, Claudio, I've won Hero for you just as I promised.
Claudio: HOW DARE YOU, SIR.
Don Pedro: ????
Hero: *doe eyes*
Claudio: Ohhhhhh.
Beatrice: I will sit in a corner and cry hey-ho for a husband. *skips off*
Don Pedro: SHE WILL MARRY BENEDICK!
All: Yesssssssss.
Don John: Grr.

Act III

Hero & Ursula: : Benedick & Beatrice 4 EVER!!!
Beatrice: What fire is in mine ears??
Don Pedro: Beatrice & Benedick!!!
The Guys: I know, right???
Benedick: THIS CAN BE NO TRICK!!!!
All: Hey, nonny, nonny!
Don John: *DOOM*
Dogberry: *squawk!*

Act IV

Friar: Come you hither to be married?
Hero: Yes!
Claudio: NO!
Hero: Wha--?
Claudio: GIVE NOT THIS ROTTEN ORANGE TO YOUR FRIEND!
All: What is he on about????
Beatrice: I WILL EAT HIS HEART IN THE MARKET PLACE!
Benedick: Um.

Act V

Leonato: *gnashes teeth*
Don Pedro & Claudio: Good day, sir.
Leonato: Thou hast slain my child!
Don Pedro & Claudio: I said GOOD DAY.
Benedick: Have at you! *slappyslap*
Beatrice: ♥
Benedick: *eyebrow wiggle*
Sexton: It's all Prince John's fault.
Dogberry: *squawk!*
Conrad: YOU ARE AN ASS.
Dogberry: I AM AN ASS.
Claudio: I've killed my beloved! I'm the worst.
Hero: *appears* Hello!
Claudio: Sweet Hero!
Hero: I'm taking you back despite the fact that you're a massive tool. But whatevs! We're in love, so it's okay!
Claudio: ♥
Hero: ♥
Benedick: ♥
Beatrice: ♥
Don John: *punished with brave punishments*
All: ♥ HEY, NONNY NONNY! ♥

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