Thursday, January 31, 2013

Shakespeare's Macbeth (The Scottish Play), Super-Condensed

SHAKESPEARE SUPER-CONDENSEDTM:
For When You Only Have Thirty Seconds to Study


Act I

*thunder and lightning*

Duncan: That Macbeth.  What a boss.
Witches: *cackle*
Macbeth: What ho! I shall be king!
Banquo: Simmer down.
Witches: *cackle*

Lady Macbeth: NO COMPUNCTIONS SHALL SHAKE MY FELL PURPOSE.
Macbeth: Erm...?

Duncan: Honored Hostess!
Lady Macbeth: *nostril flare*

Act II

Macbeth: IS THIS A DAGGER I SEE BEFORE ME??

*stab stab*

Lady Macbeth: A little water clears us of the deed!
Macbeth: *flail*

Lennox: Ring the alarum bell! Murder and treason!
Lady Macbeth: *doe eyes*
Macbeth: *flail*
Malcolm & Donalbain: What the WHAT?!

Act III

Banquo: Hmmmmm.
Macbeth: *stab stab*

Macbeth: The table's full.
Lennox: Here's a place reserved, my good lord!
Macbeth: *rubber lips*
Lady Macbeth: PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER! *slap slap*

Hecate: *cackle*

Act IV

Witches: DOUBLE DOUBLE, TOIL AND TROUBLE.
Macbeth: Ladies, ladies, ladies!
Witches: BEWARE MACDUFF.
Macbeth: *DOOM*

Lady Macduff & Son: Tra-la-laa!
Murderer: What, you egg!

*stab stab*

*gurgle*

Act V

Lady Macbeth: OUT, DAMNED SPOT.
Doctor: Dude.
Gentlewomen: I know.

Lady Macbeth: AIIIEEEEEE.

Macbeth: LIFE IS A HOWLING VOID OF EMPTY NOTHINGNESS. 

Great Birnam Woods: *creepin'*

(alarum bells)

Macduff: Turn, hell hound. TURN.
Macbeth: LAY ON, MACDUFF!
Macduff: *RAWR*

*stab stab*

*swashbuckle*

*stab*

Malcolm: *little wave*
All: HAIL, KING OF SCOTLAND!

(flourish, exeunt)

*blood drips*


2 comments:

  1. Very nice! However, could you add "screw your courage to the sticking-place" in there? If you left out a couple of "stabs," it might fit.

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    Replies
    1. Oh, I HEAR you, Joanne. One of the difficulties of Super Condensing this play is that there are just so many awesome quotable lines to fit in! This is actually the fourth or fifth draft that I came up with -- the first few were much too long to be considered Super Condensed. :)

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