Monday, November 26, 2012

How to Be the Most Intelligent Person in Any Room

There's nothing worse than going through life feeling that your talents are unappreciated and that your intelligence is undervalued.

So I've heard, anyway.

The good news is that by following my patented four-step system, you can rest assured that never again will anyone doubt how smart you really are.

How to Be the Most Intelligent Person in Any Room:

Step One: Only discuss important topics. And by "important," I mean topics that you know everything about.  Because, let's face it: if you don't know anything about it, it's definitely not important. This point is key, since it takes constant and skillful conversational manipulation to ensure that the topic never veers toward something trivial (that is, something that you know little or nothing about). Be warned: this requires assiduous concentration and great power of will, but I trust that if you apply yourself, you will be able to accomplish this. 

Step Two: Always talk loudly.  You know what they say: he who talks the loudest, wins.  The fact is this: it really doesn't matter what you say, as long as you sing it out loud and proud.  That way nobody will ever have to stand across the room wondering about all of the intelligent things that you must be saying, because they will be able to hear you even if they made the vastly foolish mistake of choosing to sit way over there on the opposite side of the room. 

Furthermore, following Step Two ensures that even if there may (by some stretch of the imagination) be someone more intelligent than you loitering about, if you're talking loudly enough to drown him out, no one will ever be the wiser. 

Step Three: Routinely hang out with ESL/EFL learners. The beauty of hanging out with English-as-a-second-language learners is that due to their limited vocabulary and stunted range of expression, they're severely hampered in their ability to convince anybody (let alone themselves) that they are more intelligent than you. Forget the fact that they are (at the very least) bilingual and that you are pretty much monolingual: if they can't express it clearly in English, it doesn't count.  Period.  

Besides, it's fun to use obscure idioms and slang on purpose just to confuse them. Doing so will give you a rush of mental superiority that is seldom equaled elsewhere in the natural world and will give you that little confidence boost that you need to pull off Step Four. 

Step Four: Never pass up an opportunity to allow pearls of wisdom to dribble from your lips. No matter how attentively you follow Step One, there still might be a few people laboring under the delusion that they are smarter than you are.  Therefore, as a preventative measure, be sure to talk as much as you can, as fast as you can, to as many people as you can, for as long as you can.  This will leave no one in any doubt as to your intellectual prowess.

The truth is that no matter how hard you try, there still may be someone out there who remains unaware of how glowingly brilliant you really are. 

But that's okay.

You know.

And in the end, that's all that really matters.


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