How to Make Life ALL ABOUT YOU!

As you spin through your solar system on this tiny blue marble, sometimes it's easy to feel alone.  But you are not alone.  Not by a long shot. According to recent data, nearly seven billion people inhabit the earth along with you.1


That's quite a lot.  

I mean.... think about it. Seven billion other humanoids whose thoughts, ideas, opinions, lifestyle choices, likes, and dislikes are very likely different from yours

I don't know about you, but I find this reality to be unacceptable for a number of reasons.  First, I find it unacceptable that there are even that many people on the plant who don't have access to the impeccable logic and streamlined musings of my perfectly-ordained mind.  Second, I find it unacceptable that there are those among that number who have had access to my thoughts and are now laboring under the delusion that my thoughts and opinions have valid contradictions.

What a travesty!

If you've found yourself to be emotionally paralyzed by the suffocating implications of this predicament, never fear.  I am here to help.  

I offer for your consideration (and ultimate acceptance, since--after all--everything that I think is perfectly accurate and my logic impervious to contradiction) a way to block out this reality and keep life ALL ABOUT YOU.  Just follow these four easy steps.

How to Make Life ALL ABOUT YOU: 

STEP ONE: Talk so much that nobody even has the chance to contradict you. So simple, but so brilliant. This, the first and most important measure, is vital because of its preventative nature.  If you're so busy talking that nobody else ever gets a chance to say anything, then you'll never have to bother even thinking about what anybody else has to say. See? SHEER BRILLIANCE.

STEP TWO: Practice selective hearing.  This may sound complicated, but don't worry. It must be easy enough, because even my intellectually-unsophisticated junior high students manage it all the time. To practice selective hearing, all you need to do is ignore any facts that do not line up with the pre-selected version of reality that you've already decided to cherish.  In this way, if you never actually hear anybody's contradictory statements, you'll never have to do any actual thinking.

STEP THREE:  Practice selective thinking. If by some accident you fail to practice Step Two accurately and you accidentally overhear a contradiction to your thoughts/opinions, be sure that you have bricked up a metaphorical wall of intellectual/emotional obstinacy that will keep you from actually processing the contradiction.  Across this wall, be sure to spray paint this phrase: "IF I DON'T ALREADY BELIEVE IT, IT CANNOT AND MUST NOT BE TRUE."  Be sure to hold the line on this one, because if a stray thought does manage to breech this fortification, you may find yourself in serious trouble. 

STEP FOUR: Sincerely endeavor to live an insular life. BEWARE: the more you're out there mingling with the rest of the seven billion humanoids inhabiting your planet, the more vigilantly you'll be need to practice the above principles. Better to stay tucked safely away at home, spending quality time with the sweaty-haired, megaphone-clutching voice in your head.

Above all, remember: there may be nearly seven billion other people on the planet, but none of them are YOU. Therefore--since none of them are as worthy, as special, and as gifted as you are--their thoughts, opinions, choices, and values must not be nearly as important as YOURS.  

Even if nobody else is enlightened enough to acknowledge it (yet!), you should still feel free to grasp the self-ordained right to be crowned Unacknowledged Intellectual Despot of Planet Earth.  

Go ahead.  Do it. Experience the thrill of knowing that you are an unparalleled intellectual genius. There's no feeling quite like it.

After all...... it's not like you're missing out or anything.


1. It's on the internet. It must be true.


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