Monday, March 26, 2012

How to Get a Guy to Like You


for the young ladies

Based on my vast experience in both accidentally attracting and repelling men, I've compiled this partial list of some of the many things that you can do in order to get guys to like you. If you're worried that you're not capable of attracting men, fear no longer. Apply my patented techniques, and you will soon be up to your elbows in suitors. (Or, depending on how tall you are, up to your shoulders.)

And gentlemen, never fear. Your turn is coming.

How to Get a Guy to Like You:

DO:

1. Be uninterested. There seems to be a Murphy's Law of Relationships in play in which the amount of interest a young lady will have in a man will be directly inverse to the interest he has in her. Because of this mysterious dynamic, one sure-fire technique you can use to attract a guy is not to be interested in him.

And I'm not talking about an assumed disinterest here: somehow the Murphy's Law of Relationships is able to differentiate between pretended disinterest and actual non-interest. It knows. Therefore, if you are uninterested to the point of being mildly repulsed by him, so much the better! In that case, he will most likely be willing to pursue you to the ends of the earth.

...where you have fled into the darkest corner of the deepest, most-remote cave that you can find.

In order to hide from him.

2. Smell Like Food. Have you ever wondered at the lasting popularity of women's vanilla-scented lotions and perfumes? I haven't. At least, not since high school, when I wore the lotion myself. Working elbow-to-elbow as I was at the time with a bunch of teenage boys in the back kitchen of a popular quick-serve restaurant chain, I learned very quickly that wearing my vanilla lotion would lead to awkward moments such as one of the boys leaning in for a huge sniff before closing his eyes, smiling, and saying (a bit mistily), "...you always smell like cookies."

Think of how excited your dad/brothers/husband/boyfriend is when he comes home to the smell of a delicious dinner wafting through the house. That's how excited he could be every time he smells/sees you coming!  The truth is that men just love the smell of food.

So grab a slice of pizza, ladies, and smear it on your neck. Roll around in a large vat of oatmeal. Toss out your potpourri sachets and stick Kraft cheese slices into your dresser drawers instead. Keep garlic knots in your purse for emergencies.

Whatever you need to do.

3. Try to get him to date your best friend. I'm not sure why, but this one generally holds true. Something to do with the Murphy's Law of Relationships, I'd imagine.

DON'T:

1. Try to turn yourself into a clone of him so that he will notice how much the two of you have in common. You like coffee? ME TOO! And impressionist art? ME TOO! And folk music? ME TOO! I'm going to start drinking coffee while looking at impressionist art and listening to folk music and do it all sitting right here in a really obvious place where you can see me until you notice that we like all the same things -- YAY!

The truth is that he's either going to notice you or he's not. If you have a lot in common, it should be apparent to him from the outset or become apparent to him naturally. Going out of your way to overemphasize how much the two of you have in common (or, even worse, trying to manufacture it by turning yourself into his clone) is just plain silly.

Besides, don't you want him to notice you because you're... I don't know... different?

I mean good-different. Not bad-different. Although if you're bad-different, he'll be likely to notice that rather quickly.

2. Try to set him up with your best friend. (See #3 above.)

3. Be afraid to laugh at yourself. People are going to laugh at you anyway, so why not join in on the fun? I've been told that the number of women who are able to take a joke and truly laugh at themselves is a very small number indeed. Don't be afraid to show that you are one of them.

So what if you fall down on your face in full view of the guy you like? Come up with a grin!

Unless you've broken your teeth, of course.

4. Let militant feminism trap you.  For goodness' sake, ladies, if he asks if you want help with something, say yes.

Don't fancy carrying something heavy out to your car? Ask the males in the room if any of them feel like putting their muscles to good use. They will eat it up.

Royally messed something up? Laugh it off and ask for a man's help --  he loves being the one to fix things and solve problems, so it's two birds with one stone.

If you're wearing vanilla lotion at the time, three birds with two stones.

But who's counting?

4 comments:

  1. I really do not understand how come your how to blogs are not already published in a book lol. Love this blog its true. Im still waiting to hear how to survive the toilets of the world :)

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    1. Don't worry, Missy. It's coming.

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  2. The 'smell like food' trick is 100% valid.

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    Replies
    1. Yes, lots of confirmation on this one. :)

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