Tuesday, March 27, 2012

How to Get Any Girl to Like You (No, Really!)

for the young men

Since yesterday's post gave such phenomenal advice to the female half of my readership, it only seems fair that today the guys get their own thick slice of wisdom pie. So listen up, men. I'm about to drop some knowledge. 

How to Get Any Girl to Like You (No, Really!)

DO:

1. Be a fictional character. It doesn't matter if she's high-society or the girl-next-door. If she's female, chances are very high that there's been, at one time or another, a fictional man who has made her pulse skitter. Fictional men have it all: they are generally intelligent, good-looking, and romantic; plus, as an added bonus, fictional men are always available when the ladies need them. Just pop in a DVD or pick up a book and there they are, just ready and waiting to thrill. If a lady finds herself in the doldrums on a Saturday night because one of you poor chuckleheads didn't ask her out, to whom will she turn? Bruce Wayne, Sir Percy Blakeney, Han Solo, Mr. Thornton, James Bond, or Edward Rochester -- whatever her choice, her fictional man will not only be available, but he also offers complete emotional safety, since he will never inflict any manner of emotional damage on her directly. It's obvious, men. The fictional character1 always gets the girl.

2. Set yourself an important, long-term goal while claiming that you're not going to date any girls until you accomplish it. Murphy's Law of Relationships states that if you're accepted into a prestigious medical school for a taxing eight-year program, and you have sworn up and down (to yourself, your friends, and your family) that you are not going to date anybody until you've completed it, you will meet an absolutely astonishingly-attractive girl on the first day. If you attempt to hold fast to your commitment and ignore her, she will severely tax your fortitude by asking you out. 

3. Be attracted to her best friend. This is the complement of yesterday's admonition to girls.  C'est la vie.

DON'T:

1. Bathe in cologne. I honestly don't understand why men are still doing this. Remember, men. You want her to be drawn closer to figure out what that amazing scent is, not to lean back because her lungs are about to clog. To be honest (and I know that I speak for more than one lady here) one of the best things that you can smell like is soap. Just as men love the smell of food, women love the smell of cleanliness. So listen up, men. Use fabric softener. Keep dryer sheets in your pockets. Gargle with Fabuloso! Just before you leave the house, rub down your entire outfit with a bar of Irish Spring. However you choose to accomplish this, working actively to smell clean (which is different from the lesser, passive accomplishment of not stinking) will put you light years ahead of the rest of the pack.

2. Tell her that you think she is your soul mate the very first time you meet her. It may sound romantic as a line in a movie, but in real life, it's creepy. 

3. Give up. I have to be honest: I've just added this one at the end because it sounds good. If you're scanning the bold-print titles, this is the what you would want to see at the end of a list like this. However, it's not entirely true. There are, in fact, some situations in which it is appropriate for you to give up. For example, if the female in question has filed a restraining order against you. Or if she has taken to hiding in deep, dark caves at the far corners of the earth. Or if she's turned you down multiple times. (If my dad followed that last bit of advice, however, he never would have started dating my mom, who turned him down multiple times when they first met.2  So you just never know.)

______________________
1. Preferably charming, well-dressed ones from the Regency Era.
2. Not entirely sure about how my parents feel about my sharing this publicly on the interwebs. I guess I'm about to find out.

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