Friday, September 30, 2011

Open Letter to Parents of Teens

Perhaps by allowing your children to go days (and perhaps weeks, even?) without showering, you are hoping to decrease the odds that you will become a grandparent at an early age. Whatever the rationale behind your decision, it is still gross. By the time a child is in his teens (especially because he is in his teens), he needs to shower at least once a day. Possibly twice.

I don't care if you need to bundle your child up in his comforter and dump him in the bath fully-clothed before he's awake in the morning. Whatever needs to happen, get it done.

Your Friendly Neighborhood ESTJ.

Saturday, September 24, 2011

Open Letter to the Authors of the World

Dear Ones,

If you would please see your way clear to use FOOTNOTES rather than ENDNOTES, I would very much appreciate it. Although you may desire not to upset the flow of your narrative with constant visual distractions, those of us who REALLY WANT TO KNOW find the mental distraction of NOT KNOWING WHAT YOU MEAN INSTANTLY to be detrimental to our collective psyche. It is also quite cumbersome to be flipping back and forth constantly.

Thank you. Carry on.

Your Friendly Neighborhood ESTJ

Thursday, September 22, 2011

Open Letter to Introverts

An open letter to all of the introverts in my life:

 Dear friends,

 I would like to apologize sincerely for all of the times that I have made you feel exhausted and uncomfortable, and for sometimes asking awkwardly searching questions about your thoughts and feelings. It has been (mostly) unintentional on my part, and I will try to be less intense and bombastic from this point forward. Most of the time. When I think about it. And stuff.

Your (Very, Very) Friendly Neighborhood ESTJ