Saturday, November 26, 2011

An Offer I Can't Refuse

Sister: I don't suppose you'd let me practice my jiu jitsu on you... *puppy dog eyes*

Me: Well... it depends. What would I have to do?

Sister: Basically, you just have to sit here and let me choke you.

Me: Oh! Okay, then.


(time passes)

Sister: (having wrapped Me into a strange contortion in which my butt is in the air, my shoulders are against her chest, and her forearm is attempting to fuse my trachea with my thoracic vertebra) Is it working?

Me: Aaaaaruggghkkk.

Sister: (excitedly) Am I choking you?!

Me: Aaaagk AAGHKKK!


(Sister releases Me, letting Me roll away, huddled in a protective little ball) 

Me: Yes! It was working!

Sister: Well, I couldn't tell, because all you were doing was making those noises.

Me: That's because I was CHOKING!

Sister: Then all you had to do was tap out!

Me: What?!

Sister: Yeah, tap out! (she demonstrates)

Me: Well, excuse me for not knowing how to play right!


(more time passes)

Sister: Okay, so.... first you have to get into the butterfly guard.

Me: What?

Sister: Like this. (wrapping me into a strange contortion) Next you need to do a sit up and put your head against my abs. (polite pause) Can you even do a sit up?

Me: Yes! (struggles up to the sound of a loudly-popping joint, then mashes the top of the head awkwardly against Sister's abs) There.

Sister: Very good. (with three quick, deft moves that are half monkey, half 80s break-dancer, she pins me to the floor with force that seems unnecessary, considering the fact that I'm obviously not resisting.)

Me: (having gone limp as jelly from laughing) HAHAHAHAHA!

Sister: Some help you are.

Me: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA--

Sister: Okay, I'm done.

Me: AAAAHHAHAHAHAHA--

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