Some Days We Become that Other Person

Somewhere today, someone arrives home from taking his GRE and says to his roommate, "Yeah, the test was fine... But you should have seen this chick in the cubicle next to me....

"First her nose is running, right? And she sniffs and sniffs, but she doesn't have any tissues, because we're not allowed to, like, take anything into the testing center with us. So she sits with her hand up for a while and when she finally gets the guy's attention, she does these huge, over-reactionary miming gestures. Like we all haven't heard her sniffing, or maybe she thinks he's mentally retarded or something. So anyway, he figures out she needs tissues and brings them. So I think to myself at least now the sniffling will stop. Well that's when she start's honking. I mean, just going to town and blowing out that nose as hard as she can, one nostril at a time.

"And just when we think at last things will quiet down, that's when her stomach starts growling. Only it's not a regular growl. It's more like the deep, hollow gurgle of an emptying drain. Meanwhile she's still sniffling and honking, and when she's not doing that, she's mouth-breathing.

"And then there's the typing. I don't mean ordinary, everyday typing. I mean that she's attacking the keyboard with these super-rigid, noise-producing fingers. She's not so much tapping at the keys as she is making a seeming attempt to bore directly through the keypad with her bare hands.

"I think she realized what a mess she was, too, because every once in a while she would stop typing and look around sheepishly, as if to apologize to the rest of us. Then she would calm down, breathe slowly, and start to click away quietly at the keys... for about a nanosecond. Then we're right back to the spastic bursts of machine-gun typing, mouth-breathing, nose-whistling, and stomach-gurgling... The complimentary noise-reduction earphones barely muted the noise pollution produced by this one auditory train wreck.

"Well, obviously something had to be done. At first the staff merely emptied out the two cubicles next to her and surrounded her area with bio-hazard caution tape, but eventually we banded together and staged a revolt, refusing to take the optional research-only section of the test until she had agreed to take the rest of her test from inside a hyperbaric chamber.

"--What? Oh, I don't know. I canceled my scores before viewing them and made an appointment to go back and take it again next month. There was really no point in finishing the test, what with all that noise making it impossible to concentrate..."

And maybe when he tells this story, he will be exaggerating.

Then again, maybe not.


  1. I laughed. You are so awesome and snotty.

    Seriously the word verification was nubeak! hahahaha!


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